I wasn't sure what to expect. It was nice to be back, to put on work clothes, to dress up and go back. It was great to see friends I missed.
By the end of the week, as I got back into the swing of things and got through some of the work I took on, I remembered the feeling I have at work - the feeling of accomplishment at the end of the day. It's so different from being at home, where my days are measured by my kids' schedules, where an accomplishment is getting Doodle to school without losing my temper, successfully introducing a new food to the Princess and keeping her on schedule. And, truly those are accomplishments.
It's a very different measure at work. My goal of today was to finish the press release, attend the meeting, figure out a numbering system. All of that is done.
And then I go home.
And start with the stuff at home: wiping noses, giving hugs, having family cuddles.
The balance isn't quite there yet. I'm exhausted when I get home. And I don't have as much patience. And, I'm unbelieveably jealous some moments of the time our nanny spends with the kids - even though she's amazing and jealousy is ridiculous.
And I'm weaning the baby. That's hard. I don't need a watch to tell me it's noon because my body tells me. I resist the urge to call home to make sure she's eaten. I know she has. And Phat Daddy gets home for lunch to make sure everything is okay.
So life goes on. And in time the feeling of imbalance will work itself out. I'll accept that my kids love me as Mommy and I can't be replaced. And, I'll get back on stride at work and not feel lost. And, maybe I'll even fit into some of my old work clothes again.
And tonight I'm cuddling with my kids and giving them extra kisses. And, I'll be grateful that I have a job and a family and that soon this will all make a whole lot more sense.
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5 comments:
It sounds like things are falling into place (albeit slowly). I'm glad for you.
That jealousy isn't ridiculous - it's completely normal. I'm glad that your first week back went so well, I think I spent my first week back after the Princess was born in tears, but then it was a brand-new job, not a return to a workplace I knew and liked.
Hugs, and here's to better and better!
I still resent that the daycare/school gets my kids for the best part of the day. I'm glad your transition back seems to be going well. I was okay going back after #2 and #3. Little things like enjoying a whole cup of coffee without interruption, having more adult conversations, etc. were definitely things to look forward too!
I think it took me 3 months to really settle in without missing my kids whenever I saw a parent with a child in the street or at Tim Hortons (former job), but now I find myself looking forward to Monday, after a fun-filled weekend, and on Friday's looking forward to spending ton of weekend time with the kids...
Good luck adjusting...
As you already know, it'll take some time to get the balance right. Soon, you'll LOVE it. :) (and that jealousy is so natural! Especially as you adjust -- give yourself time)
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