Despite taking a week off of Weight Watchers (both the meetings and the plan) I went back to my meeting on Monday night.
I didn't want to go because I ate like a pig on vacation. Every time I looked in the mirror I could see the extra 5 pounds I had surely gained and I hated myself. But I went, and I got weighed, and learned I had lost half a pound. As weight loss goes that's not the biggest amount in the world, but I was surprised. And happy.
And then our leader spoke about Body Image. I realized on Monday that I had forgotten my whole reason for being there, for eating healthier, exercising and taking vitamins. I wanted to be proud of myself, to like myself, to walk past a mirror and hold my head high because I like who I am. I want to be a woman who is proud of her body, flaws and all, so that my children to obsess about theirs.
For awhile there I lost that.
I'm not sure what happened. On the quest to hit a certain weight by our Disney trip I started to focus more on the numbers and less on myself. And that has to stop.
With the whole body image thing combined with coming down from the high of being on a super fun vacation I was beginning to fall apart. Summer, and trying to fill the long days, started to stress me out. I had nothing to plan for or look forward to. So I started to think about what I can do to make things better. The one thing that has always worked for me is running.
I know I'm not a marathon runner. But, for some reason, even the benefits of a short run perk me up. I think the fact that I completely zone out and focus only on the music I'm listening to and pushing myself to make it a little further seem to clear my mind.
Let me tell you, it was not easy last night. I hadn't run for ages and my breathing was all off. I came back tired and today I'm stiff and achy. But, I feel GREAT! I feel like I accomplished something. And I feel happier and better about myself today. And, I'm going to take a nice hot bath and then go out for a run tonight. As I was running I kept thinking that if I keep this up I could sign up for a 5k. And suddenly there was something new to look forward to, to push me on and give me a goal.
Who knows if I'll do it. But, I want to. I want to like myself, and be proud of myself. And today I'm feeling that way.