Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Identity

Identity has been on my mind a lot lately.
It's inevitable when there's a lot of change in life. In a few months I've left work (on mat leave), had a baby, become a stay at home mom, and in a week I'll be 30. All of it is good, but it's also a huge change. And, even though this has taken  me by surprise, I am baffled by all of it.
Honestly, I'm lonely.
At work I had a function. I knew my role. I knew my colleagues. If anything I probably spent maybe a little too much time chatting on certain days. But, it's nice filling that role. It's great being "in the loop" and being invited for drinks. I love the fact that my job has me in the department that plans events. I love writing stories about people in the company.  Sure it's work, and there are days when I want to scream. And there are days when I disagree with my colleagues. And I'll admit that some days have been really really bad.
And I kind of hate the GO train a lot of the time.
But. When I'm at work I have a handle on who I am. I know where I fit in. I am up on the gossip.
Here at home it's different.
I go to play groups and know nobody.
And when I make conversation I get the pleasantries and then everyone goes back to their friends and I can't break into the clique.
The gossip, it seems, is where there is a sale on Robeez, and how many of the kids are there with their nannies. Until you break in it's surface stuff. And it's hard. Brutally hard. Especially when, like me, you thrive on talking to people.
And, I miss my work friends. I know I can call and I do sometimes. But, I don't want to interrupt their days. And, it's kind of dumb to say "so ... today I went to a playgroup, gave Doodle 2 time outs, went to the playground. And and and ... they had good samples at Starbucks." (really, breakfast sandwich samples were a highlight today).
To be clear, that's not what I think Stay at Home Moms do. I know this. My sister is a SAHM extraordinaire and fills her day. And she often has coffee with me. I'd be insane without her and my mom.
But, when you're on leave it's hard.
When Doodle was a baby it was different. I had 2 friends to hang out with and I relied on them for sanity. We'd go to playgroups. And it was fine. But now I'm starting over. 
And, really - I don't know where to start.

5 comments:

AndreAnna said...

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. It must be tough to transition from a career to being a SAHM. I applaud your effort for trying and getting involved with playgroups and such.

I am not a gossiper at all, so I know how you feel about the 'clique' thing. Which is why I'm glad I don't have to deal with it.

Keep trying, though. There have to be some normal people out there. Making friends is hard.

Amy said...

Hey!
I totally miss emailing you about work and such so ANYTIME you need to chat, please email, I defiantely need the interruptions to keep my sanity.
Obviously we know I can't take calls at work....joyful. But that's part of the gossip!
You are handling it way better than I would going through such a change. I've had enough trouble with just the 30 thing....I can't even imagine throwing in the kids too!
Email when you can! I miss our chats :)

citygirl said...

Awww!! I wish I could give you a hug right now! I miss our little chats terribly. There's nobody quite like you here.

I'm terrible at making new friends so I totally get where you're at on that front. TG you have your sister & mom!

Write me anytime - I miss you!

Anonymous said...

I would totally hang with you at playgroups! We could discuss how my little bug decided last night to have playtime from 3:30 am to 6 am, just in time for her brother to wake up! :) Give me an email whenever, we could have a cross country cyberspace playdate!
Bonnie

Naomi (Urban Mummy) said...

Change is always difficult. Especially this type - it's temporary, in the obvious way (you are going back to work) but permanent, too (you'll always be their mom!)

When I had my first baby, I worked very hard to develop a network. Made new friends, found play group for my son. It was good. With my second, it wasn't the same. There were no classes for "second time moms". I also had my second before many of the moms I met with my first, so that didn't help.

Good luck. Try to find a niche, and be sure to do something just for you!