I've been toying with this post for the last few days, but it's hard to explain without this sounding like a pity post, which it isn't.
I'm feeling a little irrelevant at work.
I should back up and explain a bit.
Friday is my last day. I worked with my manager to wrap up all of the projects that I was working on early so that I could have time to pack my office (this has been quite an endeavour), make sure all the loose ends were tied up and take it easy in the last week or so. I've really appreciated the leeway here. I've enjoyed taking lunches with my friends and making sure I could say goodbye to people.
But, I've also realized in the last few days just how much work defines my identity.
Over the past 3 years, since I went back to work, I've struggled to find an identity where I'm a mommy in the morning and night and a professional during the day. Sometimes it's easy. Sometimes it's a struggle. But I've done pretty well.
However, in the last week or so as I've had less and less to do, I've been asked to fewer meetings and not had to join many conference calls work has been hard. For the first time in 3 years I've been, dare I say it ... BORED. And I hate that.
More and more I realize just how much being a working mom is a part of who I am.
When I was pregnant with Doodle I was having a really difficult time workwise. I enjoyed my job, but the company changed ownership, was bought out by a complete prick, and there was clearly no job for me after maternity leave. I wasn't sure if I wanted to be a stay at home mom or a working mom. I had no idea what to expect.
This time around I have a sense of security. I love my job. I love my colleagues (most of them). I know when I'm going back to work, and there's no confusion in my mind as to whether I want to be a SAHM or a Working Parent. The decision is made. And I'm ready to spend time at home with my growing family.
But, I'm sensing there's going to be a bit of a tough transition. I had a complete meltdown when they tried to take away my blackberry (thank goodness that my manager and vp agreed with my arguments to keep it) and I know I'll be logging in just to keep in the loop. And then there's the whole social side of things. I've already made plans with one colleague to go for manicures together. I've arranged to be invited to lunches for weddings, and of course I expect to be kept in the gossip loop.
But I'm also really really really relieved to have some time off. And, unlike the year I spent with Doodle fretting about what I would do, I think I'll choose to spend this year enjoying a change of lifestyle (note I did not say Break) and fretting about more important things like losing the baby weight and not turning into someone who wears "mom jeans".