- I wanted a c-section
- I would not let forceps near me
- I was going to do everything I could to prevent post-partum depression (ppd), and have people around me aware of the signs to look out for
- I was not going to breastfeed
The breastfeeding thing ties into the ppd thing. I had a hard time with it, I struggled, and I didn't get enough sleep because I was up constantly. Again, I had the support of my doctor on this. I've also been going to therapy and a social worker to monitor my mood (I'm doing well). One of the thing that came up was the issue of breastfeeding. They are recommending against it because I have a tendency to demand perfection of myself, and because of the sleep issue. Phat Daddy is fully on board with skipping nursing in favour of formula. And, though I certainly won't say we are wealthy, the cost of formula is not nearly as crippling for us as it would have been with Doodle.
Having said all that, with less than 24 days to go in this pregnancy everything in my mind is changing and I'm flip-flopping on all of my decisions.
First of all the c-section issue. At this point the baby is average size. If I were to go into labour at 37 weeks she'd be 6.5 lbs. So, not quite as bad as Doodle (8lb 9 oz and born at 37 weeks). My ob is suggesting that if I go into labour before the scheduled section that I see how the birth progesses before going straight to a section (still an option). The thing is, as much as this idea terrified me several months, even weeks, ago at this point I'm kind of wishing I would just go into labour early so we can see. I'm totally questioning my choice.
And then there is the breastfeeding issue. I know myself. I know that if I start I will be determined to win the breastfeeding battle. I hate giving up. I'm unbelieveably stubborn sometimes. My psychiatrist said that in her mind this is setting myself up for failure. And, if I go straight for formula I will be setting myself up for success. I totally get this. And, I totally see where she is coming from. But ... I also feel like I'm potentially depriving my child of something because I'm being lazy. It's a horrible feeling. But, then, if the struggle with breastfeeding pushes me into a depression then I will be depriving my child of love and affection.
What I know for sure is that I really really want to bond with my child. With Doodle I did not bond for quite a long time. I'm not sure why. I didn't try nursing for more than a day. It was a very strange beginning.
I think I'm driving people crazy with my constant debating. My bff is a midwife, and I keep asking her questions. Convenient, but it's not like she has anymore answers than anyone else. So much of it is up to me, and it's so hard to make these decisions. I want someone to tell me what to do.
Both my doctor and psychiatrist have told me that there is no crystal ball where they can tell me absolutes. Like, there's no guarantee that a natural birth won't be as difficult as last time. But, then there's no guarantee that I won't have a more difficult recovery from a c-section than I did from forceps, no matter how confident my doctor is.
Is there a solution? No. Probably not. But, if anyone has suggestions, please feel free to pass them on.